Taking Back Me

It’s been a tumultuous few months with lots of changes, bridging gaps, letting go, and crying tears. It’s been both heartbreaking and uplifting to have gone through the motions, emotions, and trials of the last few months. We are almost through March, and as I look back, its been 4 months since I wrote anything decent. With a pile of drafts, half finished, have thought out, and overly emotional, I decided to scrap them all. Click delete and not repeat.

I did that once, with the letters I wrote. I wrote them, full of emotion and just sent them off. But as you write feverishly, you don’t always remember. I think it worked for that era. When I was missing a friend that I couldn’t talk to everyday. This is different though, and this process, as part of the growing up process requires that editing, proofreading, and clearly thought our processes are required. Or so I want to believe at this time.

But this isn’t about my writing style, or how I came to write this particular blog. This is about taking back me.

The process in which I came to accept that I needed to take care of me, came with accepting that I am more than just a friend, a sister, a daughter, an aunt, a future mother. It came with accepting the fact that I am human, and I need to be comfortable in my own role as just being me.

So often we serve. As it is our teachings to be more Christ like, is to be of service and love thy neighbor. But what if nobody is serving you, what is thy neighbor is a selfish ass? Then it does no good to do service for thy neighbor if when you, as a neighbor need service and get squat.

Last year was a lot of reflecting on needing to be more selfish. Needing to do things for myself. But this year, it’s the act of not just reflecting, but actually doing.

So it took 4 months, a lot of tears, angry fights, arguments, lonely nights, hugging it out and many loving kisses later to get myself together enough, to take back me.

I am not doing it for anyone else, I am not riding the coat tails of my friends, building myself on rocky pillars made of wet sand, and I am not trying to be steel. Instead it is about doing the things that I feel are necessary for me. Taking back me. Almost like a swaying tree, in a forest, where nobody can hear you, but you do exist.

I didn’t do major shopping for the last few year, in an attempt to find myself, in an attempt to accept myself. But that’s not me! I live for glamour, not black tees and jeans. I live in color, that changes with the year, with the season, with my emotions. I get such joy out of new shoes, new clothes, and new accessories. So I am taking back that lack of frugality and going to hit up Bergdorf’s, because that is a part of being me.

Life is about living, and for the last few years I feel like I have been living and cultivating myself for everyone else. For the future child I will have, for the family life that I am expected to live. But when will that happen? When will I feel comfortable leaving my job? When will I feel comfortable living in sweat pants and tee shirts? Will I ever? What if I never?

So what comfort comes from living life, planning for tomorrow, if you’re not living life for today. The mantra is always thrown around, “C’est la vie”, but how often are we actually seizing the moment? I was brought up with the idea that all I did in school was to get me to college, and all I do in college is to get me to my career, and all I do in building my career is to get me farther in life. But what if I died today, dreaming of tomorrow? Would I stand in heaven and think, oh darn, too bad I didn’t get that promotion? Probably not. I’d stand in heaven and think, what memories do I have to look back on? Oh wait, they were all filled with text books, tutors, and way too detailed notes.

It’s too late to look back on my young school days and change any of that. It’s too late to go back to that college bookworm and remind her to get out from behind the desk. But it is not too late to grab that go getter by the shoulders, shake her around, and remind her to throw some color in with that pants suit.

So here I stand, arms wide open, on the beach, as the tide rolls in around my feet, soaking in the sun, on this work day that I took off, so I can take back me.

C’est La Vie!