Dear H,
I don’t handle change well. I don’t handle the uncontrollable well. I don’t handle life being out of my control. Life is that way though. Life is full of instability, change, and life altering decisions. Right, wrong, and sometimes grey.
Life with you is full of breath taking moments. Life with you is full of these grand gestures, little love notes, and reminders of just how important I am. From the smile I can hear in your voice when you answer the phone. To the feeling of warmth and love that I feel when you wrap me in your arms. To the simplest things like grabbing me a spoon, washing the dishes, or just showing patience as I jump around, not wanting to wait my turn.
You are always there to guide my hand. You are always there to protect me from the demons of the dungeons, or from losing my golden nuggets in the forest. You laugh when I win, and you comfort when I lose. But sometimes I wonder, will you be enough?
Relationships are about compromise, they are about communication, they are about being able to be your true self, feeling accepted, feeling comfortable, feeling comforted. So I wonder, if our growing pains are just that, a part of growing, or if the growing pains I feel are even relevant to you.
I hurt when you are not there. I feel alone when I can not reach you. I feel disconnected when you push me away. But how much of that feeling is in my head, or how much of that feeling is real and unnoticeable to you? You don’t handle stress well. You don’t handle competition with grace. You don’t handle losing like a champion. But nor do I.
How long can we last like this? How long can we keep going on?
The more important question might be, how can we not?
I don’t know if I can ever let you go. For the intellectual conversations, the blunt correcting when I am wrong. The way you shush me with just a look. The way you have no shame in keeping me warm. The way you hold me when I didn’t know I needed to be comforted. The way you know me, the way you questions me, the way you help me grow. I can’t imagine anyone else holding my hand the way you do. I can’t imagine a better man to throw suds at from across the room. I can’t imagine my life without you.
In just a few breaths, you will be gone. A test of time for us. A test to either make or break us. For I will be forced to let you go. And maybe its for the best. Maybe we need to take this test. Maybe this moment will be enough, to motivate me to understand, if you will ever be enough. Or if I, really ever belonged to you.
The Jayne Project 