Day 27: Willpower and Me

Today there was a day to really focus on myself. With no work, and no stress, I am able to spend the day focusing on my needs. However, I do run into the issue with no routine making me a little crazy and off schedule. It is Friday, and yet it feels like its a weekend. I made time for myself to go to see JY and KS today. It had been too long since I had an adjustment, a few weeks. I knew that in order for me to rule everything out, I needed to make sure that I saw everyone on the medical team. So saw the MD, who did nothing for me. I saw her a few days ago honestly and it ended with me frustrated. So I sought out massage at my normally scheduled time, and that did bring some comfort, but not enough. So today I sought out a chiropractic adjustment and acupuncture. I seriously love the more natural approaches to my care. They actually seem to love what they do, and when they take care of me, I am a patient and not just a medical record.

We started the morning with being lazy, and zoning out on my favorite chair, risking being late to my appointment with JY. Traffic was a nightmare, proving to me that I am not special and that many others were off of work also and headed to the beach. Note to self, we will not be going to that beach any time soon. I made it to the office with a little time to spare and luckily, she was running behind. It was great to see her one last time before she heads on leave for a few weeks.

Recommendations for the pain in my neck, stretching. She cured a bit of the pinch in the nerve, but I will need to come back next week and have more work done. I am not against that. I will be moving into RH care for a while to continue my progress and care of myself. I can feel a bit of a difference, but not enough for me to feel okay not having anymore care for a while. KS was my next appointment and point of inspiration of the day.

KS is always so nurturing and caring and I love being in her care. I thought I was going to be getting the middle slot of the day, but it looks like I received the last slot of the day. She herself was battling some kind of injury, and it was humbling to see someone who I hold on a bit of a pedestal also need care herself. She took such fabulous care of me though, and I appreciate her extra attention to focus on my shoulder, and listen to my concerns. She is the one who pushed me into this cleanse and I am so glad for it. I see the difference in my general emotional and physical wellness and I can only imagine that it is going to get better as I continue this and stick to it.

I did cheat a little and instead of having 2 shakes, I had 2 meals today. I did take both supplement packets though. I had some white rice sushi instead of sashimi, but i was good about not consuming high sodium sauce. I had this fear of sushi for a while after reading an old story that recycled itself on the internet about tape worm infections in the body. It scared me so badly that for over a month I wasn’t consuming my favorite food. But after some needed therapy and insight, and some talking to about the real risks, I had to overcome the reality that one case is not all cases and people are not running around filled with tape worms. And even if they were, modern medicine could clear that up. At least i am going to believe that as i resume my consumption of the raw fish. I think short bursts are appropriate, but I will not be consuming such high quantities of white rice any time soon.

KS and I talked thoroughly about the reality of my care, and my willpower. I guess I have a tendency to break myself down and not give myself enough credit. I assumed that I did not have any willpower. Considering my current stage of life, with my consumption of junk food and not making time for myself, following cravings that made me feel sick after a few hours. KS says she believes I have willpower, and strong one. I just need to find it and believe in myself. Maybe that is true. Maybe I do have it. I have stuck to it for 4 days now. Maybe I can continue this trend and take good care of myself. Maybe I can reach my goal!

I did eat 2 bites of pizza and half a banana twinkie today. It was one of those rare chances to consume them and I felt like I couldn’t resist trying. Instead of having lunch, I had some chips and salsa and guacamole which wasn’t the best choice, as it left me full, but not filled with nutrients that I needed.

This morning I am down to just 74lbs to lose. So that was a little bit of weight loss, but not as dramatic as before. I don’t think it will be as dramatic as in the beginning because my body is adjusting better. But some weight loss is better than no weight loss. I am hoping by the time the bachelorette party is in a few weeks I am down at least another 15lbs. That would be a good goal. KS said its obvious I am losing some weight, so that made me feel better.

My battle with weight and healthy living is going to be a struggle, I can already feel it. I never feel thin enough, and then when I battle that, I gain too much, making the cycle continue of self hatred. I hope to change this pattern.

One issue I do find myself realizing is that I am a bored eater! I eat things when I am bored. Like when I watch movies. If I am in the living room, I feel this need to munch and snack. It’s horrible. But when I am in bed, I don’t have that craving. Hopefully, I can a better way to deal as I continue this understanding of myself.

Sausage and green beans and sweet potatoes tomorrow? Yep. I think that is going to be my Independence Day meal!

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