I feel like I may have thrown myself under the bus some. I got cocky with my cheating and decided and that pushed me to not put as much effort as I should have into drinking enough water and making sure that I was following my regimen of healthy foods. I also made the poor decision of pushing myself to the limits. I filled my weekend with favors. Babysitting, parties, celebrations, and everything that drove me to need to go out of my way to serve and put myself in exhausting situations. Add into the fact that I slept over at a friends house, which I never feel comfortable doing, meant that I only slept 4 hours the whole night. Adding in that I was out in the dead of heat the next few days roasting and throwing parties for people. Not only was I physically drained, smiling and be perky was mentally draining.
So in my absence of time for myself, I decided to not take care of myself. Saturday, I felt it so horribly. I ate nothing but crap and it tasted so darn good, but I didn’t feel good. And it was a slap to the face that poor choices do not pay off.
Reality struck that I need to go back to doing things for myself, taking care of myself. That needs to be a priority. I set the standard for everyone else. I set the bar high, and make sure everyone is happy, but I haven’t done myself any favors. I haven’t taken care of the most important person. Me.
Slacking on healthy foods is the beginning of the broken wheel that I keep on turning, but letting myself get so exhausted that I want to cry was just a sign that I am not thinking about the most important factor, myself. Procrastinating also does not help. So I barely slept and I pushed myself until I was in tears. It was not good at all.
So I may have only gained a few pounds, but maybe this is a sign. I am not ready for the next step, I am not ready to be a mother. If I can’t take care of myself, how can I take care of someone else.
I need to find commitment for more than just a diet, I need to find a commitment to taking care of the whole me, body, spirit, mind, soul. This is my plea to myself, it’s time to look out for number 1.
The Jayne Project 