My best friend is in labor right now. She is feeling the pulse of contractions, she is getting ready to meet her first little boy. She is not new to this game, she has 2 daughters under the age of 4 who are anxiously waiting on the arrival of their baby brother. This is her first home birth, and I am a little jealous.
I was the first one to get engaged. I was the first one to learn about all things baby. I was the first one to bring up my dreams of a Home Birth. I genuinely thought I would be the first one to have one.
It feels weird to have feelings about this. It feels odd to feel jealousy for something I can not control. I guess this moment is a reflection of peace I haven’t made over what I have lost. I really thought I would be first.
I’ve always had great dreams of waking in the night after nine months of excitement and nesting with H. It would begin with that first strong wave, and it would continue through the night until the early morning. Our midwife would show up with her assistants, I’d be floating in the large tub in our master suite, surrounded by the soothing aroma of peppermint and lavender. Eventually making it into the supportive arms of H as he supported me through labor until we met our beautiful and long awaited baby.
KC is at home right now, laboring through it all in her birthing pool. She started with a hospital birth with pain medication, had her second at a birthing center in a pool, and now has graduated to home birth. Soon there will be the cry of a new little boy in Florida. I am excited for her, I am so excited for her, but it doesn’t cover up the feelings that I wish it was me.
As I get ready for a day out with H, going on to our activities, I am so thankful for what I have. I am so thankful for the life I have been given, for the opportunities I have to enjoy these activities and travel the world and live in the moment. I wouldn’t trade in most of my life’s experience. Or at least that is what I keep telling myself. One day we will have children, until then, we are a different kind of family, and we are our own, and we will explore the world that is at our fingertips. Living in the moment is what we have now, but I know for both of us, the day when we can live in their moment will be even more amazing.
One day it will be our day, one day I will be writing my own home birth story. Until that day, I can watch, support, and send all the best vibes to my friends near and far, as they make their journey to motherhood, once, twice, maybe a third or fourth time or more.
For all the late nights you let me cry on your shoulder, for all the support through the hardest of times, for all that you do as one of my best friends, KC, I send you best wishes, I send you good thoughts, as you make the amazing journey to welcome C3P0 (our nickname for him).
The Jayne Project 