Thanksgiving came and went as if it were just another day off the year. For the rest of the world, it really is just another day, but for my family, its the biggest day. Things get hashed out, family comes together, and well, we all come together. Christmas is nothing compared to Thanksgiving for my family. As weird as that is, Thanksgiving is more important to my family than any other holiday. Maybe its because its the only one that matters to my mother. Either way, Thanksgiving happened this year, and it happened differently. It wasn’t any less of a big occasion, but it was a different pattern. This year, there was a lot of focus on the individual being. Being Thankful for being you.
Maybe it goes with the trend of the year for me. Discovering myself, discovering my worth. Finding value in the life I am living, and not the life I want to be living. November has been an astronomically life changing month for me, and maybe that is where coming together and changing the focus for just being grateful for being alive made an impact. This year was about more than being grateful for career jumps and materialistic acquisition. It was more about life experience, and being grateful to just be existing. It was a round table discussion this year, just being grateful for being alive.
I am thankful that I survived and came out on the other side. This year isn’t over yet, and I have made crazy leaps and bounds. This year my friends, I conquered internal demons and feelings of self doubt. This year, I will have survived some tripped out delusional feelings brought on by pharmaceuticals that left me with nothing but side affects. I survived a lot this year, and most importantly, I survived myself. I put myself through a lot this year. Between double dipping on the workload, adding in an attempt at another degree, trying to find myself, recovering from a broken-messed up relationship, throwing myself into a mind suck of delusion and suppressing the true me, and my interests, feelings, and passions; I should just be happy I am breathing. Let alone breathing without the help of some strong pharmaceuticals.
Life has been a whirlwind these last two years as I crawled my way out of a cluster-fuck. I don’t use that word very often, but there just isn’t a better term for the last two years of my life better than cluster-fuck. So let’s end the repeat of that word there. The things I have put myself through, the decision to throw myself 100% into ritual this year, and the decision to try all these crazy life improvement theories all at once. It has been a year of recovering from myself. I survived myself. I am so thankful that someone was watching over me and letting me make all these bad mistakes before it became too late. Life has a way of throwing curve balls, God has a way of guiding you through trial, and Jayne has a way of throwing herself under a bus a few dozen times before learning how to put her big girl panties on taking control of the vehicle.
I am thankful for the life I get to live, and the ability to kind of get a re-do. Life has it’s ways. However, I think I am most thankful for the people in my life this year. A lot of people have come in an out the last two years, but a lot of new people have come into my life this year to help with the guiding journey to finding myself. While many may not know their role or how big a piece they played was, their role in molding me and guiding me and keeping me off cliffs edge was tremendous. It’s the people you surround yourself with right? Those are the ones who make an impact, those are the ones who influence, and while a year ago I was surrounded by bad influences, this year, I had a great year of good ones. Even through big mistakes, and tremendous fails, there were always the staples and some new friends along the way that helped me through it all. So I am thankful for my Mother not killing me, repeatedly over the last two years, and for my siblings who haven’t disowned me for being the weird one, and for my Father, who’s never ending disappointment in me has pushed to achieve greatness, and for my friends, who have inspired, supported, guided, and held me through alligator tear sobs. Your role helped me get to this point, your role helped me find my self worth, your role is something to be thankful for!
As the thankful remarks went around the dinner table this year, and everyone self reflected on being thankful for just making it through the year, I couldn’t help but share my thankfulness for the phrase “you be you, boo boo”.
The Jayne Project 