I remember the moment I felt ready. I remember the moment when I thought I would never be ready. I remember the moment when I shakily went into the Bishops office and told him I was ready to be endowed.
I thought the day would never come when I would be ready to get endowed on my own, without ties to marriage, without a commitment to go on a mission. I should have known though, I am not a person who does something because she is supposed to, I am a person who does something because she is ready to.
The weeks leading up to getting endowed I had to come to terms with my past. I had to come to terms with everything I was trying to run away from, with the version of me I thought the world saw. I had to stop being scared to hide behind the shadow of a part of me that was broken, lost, and needed to be let go. I remember the meeting with the Bishop, I remember the meeting with the Stake President, I remember the commitments I made to myself, to my Heavenly Father. I remember the moment when I let go of that broken scared little girl. I remember moving on, I remember being ready.
The morning started early. It was going to be a big day, filled with big events and lots going on. I knew that I probably shouldn’t have filled the day with so much stuff, but I couldn’t resist making a day that was all about change big. I couldn’t resist celebrating myself, my life, my commitment, me.
I remember waking up and wishing Lanna or Kimmy was walking me through on my big day. I had always imagined it would be them. They couldn’t be there and it broke my heart, but Mandy fit right in. Picking her up, I was nervous for the day to begin, but once I was in the temple it just felt like I had one hurdle to overcome before my moment would come. I was right, because I had to feel at my most challenged to be able to accept the covenants, the blessings, and move on.
The thing I most remember about my endowment were the prayers through the initiatory. When there was a mistake, and it was repeated, and I felt like HF wanted me to hear them, wanted me to be cleaned and cleared of whole and new again. You only get once chance after your baptism to renew the covenant and be cleaned and cleared. I now understand its during endowment.
The two things that Mandy told me before my endowment that will always stay with me are “ignore the dancing goat, just go with it”, and “we are not a cult, no matter what happens next, remember that we are no a cult”. I can’t thank her enough for those two things, because it is true what they say about being overwhelmed and is true what she warned me about. I can’t help but giggle every time I think about the fact that “we are not a cult”.
I remember feeling partially broken, and then I remembered feeling whole again. I remember feeling as if I was being touched deep within my soul. I remember feeling loved, cherished, remembered, important, valued. I remember thinking wow, “does it get better than this”?
Shaking in your boots is a normal thing, coming out feeling alive and renewed is amazing. I can never forget the day I got endowed. I remember the feelings of hurt, fear, and what I can only guess are the adversary, followed by warmth, love, commitment. I can only imagine what amazement is in the afterlife.
The day of my endowment was the day I learned to treasure and love myself. It was the day I learned to stand up for who I am, love who I am, and be proud of who I am. The day I got endowed I made a covenant with the Lord and while I will still fall, I will still make mistakes, I will still learn and grow, I know deep within to always think twice, to consider my choices and to continue to flick the adversary aside because I am strong, I am amazing, I am a daughter of God.
(Photo of the Oakland California Church of Latter Day Saint Temple by Jess Krueger Photography) *The day I got endowed