The Jayne Journey was designed to help me find myself little by little and broaden my horizons in 2016. I learned to let go and change in 2015, but I need to learn to love me and explore myself in 2016. I am learning a lot from the eating habits, to the workout habits, to how much I can push myself to strive for better. I am also learning the value in my time and my happiness.
One of my 2016 goals was to purge my life of 120 clothing items. On top of it, I added that I wanted to sell at least 100 items from my collection of stuff. As I started sorting over what to let go, I had a hard time making the decision to let stuff go. I think its because every little thing in that back room was tied to a dream. A dream I had because of a moment of sanity (or insanity, judgement is still out) when I said no, and changed the course of everything in my life. One simple word, that a girl, standing before a boy, who was down one knee; that would ultimately change the course of both of their lives. I will never pine for that moment again, as I remember the tears, the heartache, and what it would have cost me to say yes, myself. However, I long for the dream of what would have been had I said yes. I wonder if he would have changed, had we grown up and started a family. I wonder what would have happened if that baby joined our lives and we were up in the middle of the night for the rest of our lives, wretched with worry and eternal love. That dream is exactly what it is though, simply a dream, for that boy is still a boy, and no sacrifice will ever motivate Peter Pan from growing up.
Cloth diapers, carriers, swaddle blankets, oh my! The boxes line the wall. Organized so precisely, labeled, and categorized and waiting to be used, to be loved. That moment may never come, and it has come to my realization that after all this time, it might never be. It started out of fascination. It turned into what might have been, and now its time to say goodbye to a dream, in hopes that one day, when its the right time, if the right time ever comes, that I may find peace in whatever still stands out there.
As I stack the cloth diapers, roll and fold the baby carriers, and line up all the swaddle blankets for a picture, I dream a little, sigh a little, and shatter a little as I prepare to say goodbye to a dream. I can’t live on a dream. I can’t hold on to a dream where no matter what I try, can never be achieved without another. So in order to prepare myself for better happiness and a better life, the right choice to find happiness in moments lived, not materials acquired.
I don’t know if I will sell everything, I don’t quite know what I will keep just yet. I don’t know if I will stop purchasing, or start rotating, or what I will do with all the things that I have. All I know is that there is a lot of it, and while each one holds a dream, none of them are ‘needed’, and all of them are replaceable, and if tomorrow I die, dreams won’t be what I want to take with me, its the moments I lived for that I want. So I will clear my closet of a wall lined with fluff and look forward to a life filled with exciting experiences.