I disconnected from the world in small spurts, and I survived. I changed my pattern of living, and nobody died (kind of). Most importantly though, I survived, and let’s be honest, that is all that really matters.
Sometimes ‘Life’ keeps kicking you while you’re down, and there is no clear reason why. Sometimes the people you look up to the most to be your examples, are really children with wine in their sippy cups. Sometimes the mean girls never grow up, and you think you want to be part of their group, but learn you’re just “not cool enough” to really join them. Sometimes you’re right, but the world isn’t ready to accept it. Sometimes, your heart wants one thing, but your brain wants another, and neither one agrees for months and months and months. Sometimes you spend all your money on therapy, just to figure out you’re broken and need more therapy to fix it. Sometimes, the world is dark, and you have to be your own shining light. Sometimes, these are the trials and adventures of life. Sometimes, people suck, everything is fucked, and you’re standing there watching on the other side of a broken bridge as the house burns and the match that lit the fire is in your hand. Yeah, sometimes, you just have to say, “to hell with it”.
Still to this day, I remember this mantra: “When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. Then chase Life down, pin him to the ground and squeeze some lemon in his eye and ask him why the hell he keeps throwing you ‘lemons’.”
I am pretty sure it was in Mr.Kelly’s 11th year history class that I learned that the world is not designed for women, that racism still exists and life is full of ‘lemons’. He was a ruthless instructor, but he inspired me to view the world through different lenses and to follow a path towards breaking the glass ceiling, versus just sitting stagnant underneath it. I remember on the first day of class, he stood before a room with 21 students of the male variety and 9 of the female variety and said, “Oh good, there isn’t a single white female student in here, this makes it easier. Alright class, next week we will hold an election for President, however you can’t be male or white, so that leaves 9 of you”. Mr. Kelly was determined that the next great President would be a non-white female. This last year, I will admit that my heart broke that he was right. I will also put into print that I was devastated that he was also correct in the fact that I am still living in a nation where white, male privilege still rules. Heartbreaking, but reality.
It’s been a long 6 months since I last felt like I had something to say. Turmoil, trials and life’s lovely lemons left me feeling a little broken and in despair, but the journey of living life also handed me some new adventures, and instead of constantly checking in, or being constantly aware of everything and planning everything, I decided to just live in the moment of it all and take it all in.
I found lust more than love, and I loved every moment of it. I was reckless and decided to abandon all idea of consideration for another and it was okay. The world did not crumble, people didn’t die, and I was happy. I asked for what I wanted, and most of the time I got it, and the value in that lesson was that I didn’t feel like I was suffocating. One of the hardest things to come to terms with in the last few months is that my feelings matter, and what I want is just as important as what everyone else wants.
Life handed me some trials, and a bunch of lemons. But I fought back, I kicked ass, I cried, I bruised, and I healed, and it might just be time for me to say goodbye to this idea of always taking care of others, and instead, just go after whatever the heck I want.
So 6 months of reflection and a lot of fun and strangling tears later, I think it might be time for a change. So let’s see what adventures are in store. It ain’t going to be the same Jayne that 2016 saw.
The Jayne Project 